piglet

No, not you. Sit down; I'm not talking about you. Although I'm surprised when I *am* talking about you. (See Rule 2, forthcoming, "People will surprise you.")

Yesterday I read about Rebecca Watson (elevator, coffee, 4am). This morning, hitherto totally unskeevy, perfectly decent freight elevator operator -- the one I'd previously been happy to greet because he seemed unlikely ever to drool -- shuts the door after letting off packages guy, turns to face me & *tells me an interminable "funny" story* before turning back to the fucking run switch and delivering me to my floor.

Awesome, jackass. Thanks for giving me something to worry about, every time I come & go from work. Like midtown traffic wasn't enough stress.

Rule 1: people do as they've done before.

Stocks aside, when it comes to living beings, past performance is a good predictor of future behavior. I will always abuse commas, overuse adverbs, and let the perfect be the enemy of the good. The man who leaves his wife to marry his mistress will eventually leave her to marry yet another mistress.

Rule 2: people will surprise you.

*ring* Hello? "Two Boots! We no longer serve your sandwich with garlic mayo. Is the remoulade okay?" Um. Yes? Sure?

See what I mean? Surprise!

Clasp these 2 rules to your bosom, and you may predict all vagaries of human behavior.