(1) OVERLOOKED LE GUIN? Peter Milne Greiner suspects readers need to be reawakened to Le Guin’s Gifts, Voices, and Powers, and analyzes them at length in “The Ambiguous Realism of Ursula K. Le Guin’s Lost Trilogy” at Reactor. …Gifts takes place … Continue reading →
I just saw someone say “there is no ethical consumption under capitalism” as an argument for boycotting AO3
Babe AO3 is a nonprofit. They do not exist under the ethics of capitalism. Fanfiction is legal because no money is ever exchanged around it. (All the money given to AO3 is used to maintain their servers and pay their lawyers to help keep fanfiction legal.)
Fanfiction is one of the few things in this world - probably the one singular form of entertainment that does not exist within the confines of capitalism. So by your own logic, even if you hate some of the content on AO3, it’s inherently the only ethical thing to consume in the whole world.
“My dad’s friend handed me the first book in this series when I was 10 years old and, with that simple act, absolutely rewired my brain”
Propaganda for October Daye :
“some of the absolute best urban fantasy out there! watch as Toby makes terrible life decisions and slowly amasses a wonderful group of friends and family around her, unwillingly on her part at first <3 plus an amazingly intricate and long-running plot!”
A lot of people around me are having kids and every day it becomes more apparent that hitting your children to punish them is insane because literally everything can be a horrible punishment in their eyes if you frame it as such.
Like, one family makes their toddler sit on the stairs for three minutes when he hits his brother or whatever. The stairs are well lit and he can see his family the whole time, he’s just not allowed to get up and leave the stairs or the timer starts over. He fucking hates it just because it’s framed as a punishment.
Another family use a baseball cap. It’s just a plain blue cap with nothing on it. When their toddler needs discipline he gets a timeout on a chair and has to put the cap on. When they’re out and about he just has to wear the cap but it gets the same reaction. Nobody around them can tell he’s being punished because it’s in no way an embarrassing cap, but HE knows and just the threat of having to wear it is enough.
And there isn’t the same contempt afterwards I’ve seen with kids whose parents hit them. One time the kid swung a stick at my dog, his mother immediately made him sit on the stairs, he screamed but stayed put, then he came over to my dog and gently said “Sorry Ellie” and went back to playing like nothing happened, but this time without swinging sticks at the nearby animals.
The psych nerds found out ages ago that punishments that make the child think for a few minutes (about one minute or year of age until they’re tweens) is much more helpful to develope social intelligence and understanding than punishments which prevents thinking, like the ones that involve pain. In fact, corporal punishment encouraged lying, extreme reactions, violent outbursts, go figure, they don’t trust you.
This is all really fucking serious and important and I’m mainly reblogging for that, because this correct mentality needs to be spread around more, but I’m also reblogging because I absolutely lost it at the child who dreads having to wear the normal blue hat of shame.
JustWatch analyzed streaming behavior from over 20 million TV fans to reveal what audiences were actually watching and compared that with the list of Television Academy Emmy Award nominees in three key categories: Outstanding Drama, Comedy, and Limited or Anthology … Continue reading →
New dress — I asked Kavi to take a few pics to show you. It’s from a Hong Kong / California site called BloomChic, which is plus-size, 10-30. I wear a 10 currently, which fits true to size. I ordered a few things from them, and I like 3 out of 4 — and the […]
Kavi’s home! She had a great time with her friend in Granada and Malaga, and ate a lot of chorizo and patatas bravas. Also gelato, which isn’t Spanish, I think? But right next door… She says she would go back with me, and I’ve never been to Spain and am desperate to see Gaudi’s Sagrada […]
The view outside my shop is prettier; I spent some time this week putting together two little planter / pond displays, trying to soften the hardscape a bit down the center aisle, make the Berwyn Shops more inviting. I think it’s better now. More flowers = better, right?
Garden, week of 6/24/25, posting late due to travel. Hydrangeas and lilies, plus summer blooming natives starting to really shine. Ask if you have questions!
Anderson Ranch, Intro to Furniture Design, day 2, afternoon, (post 8 of ??). You get a photo of my lunch because it was one of the yummiest at the ranch (they had fajita-spice-marinated grilled eggplant for the vegetarians, interesting!), and because I really like this pumpkin hot sauce — enough that I went to their […]
My last remaining immediate family member recently passed away, leaving me enough of an inheritance to possibly allow me to stop working now (before retirement age) while maintaining my current standard of living. I had been saving under the assumption that I would not receive any help, and I thought retirement was still 10 years away.
My job is understaffed and the commute is long and extremely stressful. My health (mental and physical) have been in decline for a few years, due to stress from work and concern for the family member. For the past year or so, I’ve been saying that if I won the lottery, I’d retire in a heartbeat. But now that I have the means to do so, I hesitate to suddenly abandon the career I’ve worked so hard on and leave my colleagues in the lurch when we are already understaffed.
On the other hand, I can’t imagine returning to 11-hour workdays and my terrible commute while grieving and trying to settle the estate. I’m having trouble focusing and making dumb mistakes in simple things like writing the check to the funeral home, so I worry about my ability to function at work. They say you shouldn’t make major decisions immediately following a loss, but I need to make some sort of change soon — I’m scheduled to return to work Monday after time off for the funeral and I’m not going to be able to keep up.
I’m considering asking my boss if there are any options to reduce my workload to allow me to switch to part-time while I figure out next steps. But given how shorthanded we are, I don’t expect that to be realistic. I might be able to use FMLA to get a reduced schedule or time off for my heath problems. That would give me more time to make a decision, but would be worse for my colleagues because they are not likely to get additional resources to cover a temporary staffing shortage like that. Just never going back at all is very appealing, other than the guilt.
I know my organization’s terrible staffing practices are outside my control and that the resource issue is not my problem to solve, but I can’t help worrying that my coworkers (who are talented and truly nice people) will be the ones picking up the slack if I do less.
I’m looking for advice on how to approach the conversation with my boss, who is a kind and decent person (but who also needs to keep the organization running). I’d like to offer to do what I can to help out, with the recognition that I can’t manage my old full workload, and ask what my options are. Is that abdicating responsibility? Do I need to figure out exactly what I want and ask for that, or is it okay to go to my boss with general ideas and ask for her help in figuring out next steps?
You don’t need to know exactly what you want to ask for before you talk to your boss, but you’re more likely to come away with the best outcome for yourself if you do. Otherwise, if you leave it open-ended, there’s a good chance your boss will propose something that falls short of what you actually want. If she knows what your real goal is, it will be easier for her to help you, or at least to give you a realistic assessment of what they can do.
If you’d really be happy with a whole range of options (like going half-time or going three-quarters time or having the next three months off or getting your biggest annual project off your plate), then sure, you could go to her with some general ideas. But my bet is that you wouldn’t be equally happy with all of those, and so figuring out what you really want and presenting that will increase the chances of getting it, or at least something close to it.
You should also think about working less would look like in your current job. It’s not uncommon for someone to move from full-time to part-time within the same job and realize that they’re still expected to produce the same amount, just in fewer hours. So you’d want to (a) nail down exactly what part-time work and part-time results would look like, and (b) be really realistic about how that would likely play out on your team. Sometimes — not always, but sometimes — it’s easier to move to a new part-time job somewhere else rather than trying to cut down an already full-time one.
As you think this over, try to take your organization’s staffing out of your consideration. You’re not doing your team any favors if you return to your previous schedule and then start dropping balls or making mistakes, or burn out to the point that you leave without notice in a health crisis one day. Your coworkers are also able to advocate for themselves, whether that means setting limits on their own time or deciding to leave for a job that doesn’t overwork them. You don’t need to work more than you want to save them from having to do that, and few reasonable people would expect it of you.
Also, if it’s really true that guilt is the only thing preventing you from not going back at all … you don’t need to feel guilty. People leave jobs! It’s a normal thing that happens. Your organization will figure things out. I can see why you might not want to make a big decision right now in case you’re not thinking clearly, and that would be a reason to delay that choice (and so would needing to make sure you really can afford to retire) — but guilt is not. Quitting is not leaving people in the lurch. Quitting is a normal part of employment, and your coworkers will adjust.
Last, if you’re not 100% sure that your finances show you can retire now, talk with a financial planner, who can help you decide with confidence. And if you’re close to that point but not quite there, that’s definitely a situation where it would make sense to just work less; there’s no reason to work 11-hour days or anything close to it if you’re not doing it for love or money.
It’s been three years since I last sent an update, I’m still working for the same organization and the same boss, yet so much has happened since then, both personally and professionally.
Not long after I wrote in to you for the second time, a member of my immediate family had a series of serious medical emergencies that resulted in some pretty scary moments over the course of the year. I was the primary caretaker, so ironically, I was the one now working remotely quite a bit during this time to deal with it all.
While I made every effort to be on top of my work and to not overwhelm those in office, my boss and colleagues could not have been more supportive and willing to help with anything I needed. My boss constantly checked in because she didn’t want me overworked or overwhelmed and we had many conversations on what I needed. They gave me the flexibility to do my work yet focus on being there for my loved ones and make some challenging decisions. I cannot express how much easier this made my life when I wasn’t at 100%. It really goes to show how much that flexibility and support for everyone in the workplace is needed and how it can benefit everyone no matter where you are in life or what your situation is. (I’m so fortunate to say that after many months my family member is now doing much better.)
Over the last couple of years I also received additional raises, really wonderful reviews from my boss, and additional promotions. This all culminated with me being awarded an industry recognition last month, one that my boss nominated me for along with other higher-ups in our organization. I was and am still in shock! I’ve never had my work recognized to this degree before, so this is new and very humbling for me.
Don’t get me wrong, my job, boss, and company are far from perfect! But I realize how extremely lucky I am to have a reasonable, supportive boss and coworkers and flexibility in my job, especially when so many are facing challenges in the job market today. I’m grateful for that and for Alison’s advice to keep speaking up to let people know what you need. Here’s to positive updates for everyone here for current and future jobs!
Thank you so much for your advice, which was to dig a bit deeper into why I didn’t want the new job to see whether these are valid reasons or just fear of change. It was very helpful as a framework, as were the very kind commenters.
Did I take the advice? … not as much as I should have. I never did get to the bottom of what was bothering me about the new job, and I am now just over a week into it, not really vibing with it, and still none-the-wiser as to WHY. It has been a little in-at-the-deep-end in a busy period and I am feeling somewhat overwhelmed, although trying to maintain some good initial boundaries. The people are for the most part very pleasant, although the culture is very different from that which I am used to. The work itself is very different from that of my former role in terms of substance, which I was expecting to some extent, and in approach and external partnerships, which I was not (although probably should have), and these differences are quite challenging. I don’t know whether it would have been better had I come in feeling more confident and optimistic about the move; I’m trying to lean into it now. One thing I was very worried about was missing my team and my manager, which I do — but I’m still in a lot of contact with my former manager and we’re meeting for drinks next week to discuss and debrief; I met my former teammate last week, and my former team still include me on current affairs gossip (to some extent), so it doesn’t feel like a complete break.
Commenter advice I took: talk with others/write down pros and cons lists. I talked to SO many people, all with differing perspectives and advice. I think on balance it was helpful — not necessarily for the advice, but just to talk about it. Commenter advice I should have taken: take some leave. I was burning out on work and on decision angst and had I taken a week or so off in January I think I would have been able to think more clearly. A lesson for the future!
My employer settled with me for a significant monetary amount (think a large portion of my annual salary). It’s not clear whether the responsible managers will face any consequences, but that’s not something I’d necessarily know.
This settlement would not have occurred without the benefit of extensive documentation on my end. Some of the most damning pieces of evidence turned out to be my requests to management to deal with the situation, and their responses to those requests, which ranged from unhelpful to illegal. I don’t know that I’d have had the confidence to make those requests if it had not been for the encouragement from both you and the comment section.
I also did ultimately retain an employment lawyer, who was a tremendous asset in both confirming the strength of my position and explaining the complexities of relevant laws. I was fortunate that I was able to access one – I know that’s not possible for everyone. But, it made a difference and is worth doing for those who find themselves in similar situations and are able to do so.
This was a terrible experience that I would not wish upon anyone. I’d rather have the last year of my life back than any amount of money.
Well … lots has changed in these few years: most notably that all of the admin team that considered me as “satisfactory” versus “outstanding” has moved on. For my next two evaluations I told my new administrators that I was not filling out volumes of self-reflection or explanations and told them why. Showing just how subjective the county’s evaluation system was and is, these admins still gave me several “outstandings” when I specifically said I didn’t want them. I was really surprised as I hadn’t filled out the paperwork to get them. They did! Twice! Funny too that they are so new to our building that they aren’t even aware that of the various projects I have worked on over the years (like creating a building schedule for 1000 students).
Your advice was right, Alison, as all those extras did burnish my resume and reputation over the years. At the mid-point of my career I changed schools and was considered a top candidate. I’m glad that I worked hard for 20 plus years and still understand a lot of what goes on in running a school. I’ve enjoyed mentoring new teachers and student teachers and get my real appreciation when I visit with them. It was time to slow down and maybe I should’ve done it sooner. I am still a “go to” person when my colleagues have a question or concern about something. Still, saying no has been a positive game changer.
Now for the best news: I’m going to retire this year! I’ve put in my time and am ready to go. Financially it makes sense and I’m happy that my evaluation bitterness is long behind me. I truly chuckle about it these days and the then-principal now admits she was too much of a rule follower and should have done some things differently. I’m glad for my career choices and still like my school and appreciate the new leadership there. I hope to come back and substitute for extra spending money. I try to tell new teachers (there are two in my family now) to unplug on nights and weekends, consider doing ONE extra (unless there’s pay involved) and try to focus on teaching and learning. Thanks!
It’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question. A reader writes:
In previous letters, you’ve mentioned how some employees may require a level of “polish,” i.e., for customer-facing or highly public roles. I wondered if you (or readers) could dig a little more into what that means. I’m asking because my husband recently got a very big promotion, and he’s now interfacing with a lot of important people. We’re getting invited to nice dinners. I’m afraid I’m in way over my head.
While I don’t think I’m ill-mannered, I definitely do not consider myself polished. I’m an introvert who isn’t great at making conversation. I’ve never attended business dinners or schmoozed, and I know that a certain level of that may be expected of me. This is a first for both of us, so I don’t think my husband can help me much in this arena, either.
I want to make a good impression on the people he works with and for us to be a good team. What can I keep in mind, work on, or practice to make sure I’m putting my best self out there?
Readers, give your best advice in the comments section!
We got a lot done yesterday and today, Mark and I sorted through a bunch of stuff on Tuesday, and talked to Ralph (Mom's stepson) and figuring out which things are his/his sister's, and then which withim that what people actually want. Legally, he and Liz own the flat and some of the contents (specified\). In practice, there are things none of us want, partly because of geography: Ralph doesn#t need furniture, and he's the only one of us who lives anywhere nearby. So it's mostly what has sentimental value, like Simon's family china.
To our London friends: If we get enough done today, we might still be able to see people tomorrow or Saturday, but I don't know yet.
I also got into a stupid argument Tuesday afternoon with Ralph's wife Jenny, who was trying to convince me that my brother and I had some koind of obligation to arrange for clearing out everything that nobody wants, so Liz (Ralph's s sister) can sell the flat. This started with me telling her that we hadn't traveled from the US to be unpaid labor clearing out a flat for someone else to sell, and then on the third time she cirled back to telling her that by insulting my recently deceased mother she wasn't helping. |She said she wasn't trying to help, I told her to at least stop hurting then, and walked away from the conversation. My brother is one of the executor's of the will, so maybe has some obligations here, but Ralph and Liz own the flat now--my mother had a life tenancy and then it went too her stepchildren. I emerged a while later to find that Mark, Ralph, and Jenny had made a bit more progress in figuring things out.
They left here at about five, and Cattitude and Adrian went shopping to buy a few groceries.
liv, who is staying part-time in a flat half a mile from here, came over for the evening, and we had a very good, long visit. Adrian cooked dinner in an unfamiliar kitchen; I'd checked with Live a fw hours earlier about dietary restrictions. The original plan was just for her to come over here, where we can sit in the back garden, but one advantage of that is being able to comfortably share meals with people.
Wednesday was productive, sorting through papers and Mom's jewelry and a few oddments. The will leaves a few specific pieces of jewelry to Simon's daughter and two of my cousins, so we need(ed) to locate those. Beyond that we can do whatever seems good, and had agreed to offer things we didn't want to our cousins. We've found one piece Adrian is taking, and there's a bracelet of Grandma's that my cousin Janet asked us to sell her. If we find it, it's Janet's, as a gift.
After Mark and Linza left, the three of us decompressed a bit. After supper, I sorted through a bunch of [photos, pulling out a few that \I want and/or thought \mark would want to least see. My mother's youth hostel card, signed by her and Grandpa, was in an envelope, along with a 1949 student discount subway pass, which got her free or discounted trips home from school. Thirty-odd years later, they were giving us passes good for free trips both ways, but only after the first few weeks of the semester.
In going through papers, and figuring out what we need, including things the executors and Mom's account might need, we have so far found four social security cards. What seems to be the original has a number stamped on it rather than neatly printed. One of the others makes sense in that it has her second married name on it--Eve Rosenzweig Kugler--but four still seems like a lot.
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file770_feed) wrote2025-07-18 01:38 am
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redbird) wrote2025-07-17 08:07 am
